Nurturing the Gifts of Children in Worship

by The Rev. Kelly Ryan,

Missioner for Discipleship in the Episcopal Diocese of North Carolina

This article was originally published on www.episdionc.org. As we prepare for Vacation Bible School at St. Alban’s next week, these words celebrating all the gifts that children bring to our worship life are timely.

I sat down in the second pew, took a deep breath and prepared to sink peacefully into worship.

And then a mom, with two young children, slid into the pew directly in front of me. For the next hour, this parent made a valiant effort to manage her children while also trying to worship herself.

Within the first 10 minutes, the children discarded the lovingly curated worship bags (I know they were lovingly curated because I lovingly curated them)—doodling a bit, using a few stickers, fiddling with a few fidgets. They ignored the finger labyrinth. They didn’t even take the calming sensory board from the bag.

Instead, they wrestled. They drove toy cars on the floor. They rolled around in front of the altar rail. They threw balls of squeezable putty in the air.

I didn’t need to look around to know: Their movements were distracting other worshippers.

So, rather than contemplate God in the Scripture readings, music, sermon and Eucharist, I spent the service that morning contemplating the mystery of God in these children.

And lamenting not that the children were wiggly and noisy but that we, the church, had failed to adequately welcome them and honor the ways in which they encounter God.

How does your congregation nurture the gifts of children in worship? How do you both learn from the children and also learn with the children about the sights, sounds and smells of worship?

Welcoming children into worship is not only, or even primarily, the work of their parents and caregivers. It is the work of the whole worshipping community. Where might you begin?

• Be curious like a child. Pay attention to how children experience the space and the liturgy. Is there anywhere in the sanctuary where worshippers can praise God through movement? Are families able to see the action of the Eucharistic prayer from their pews? Are the songs accessible for pre-readers? Do worshippers have materials available to contemplate Scripture and the sermon creatively, perhaps coloring or working with clay? Use the insights you’ve gathered to design for everyone’s belonging. 

• Ask caregivers what they need. Do they want guidance about how to prepare their children for worship (such as practices for how to enter the sanctuary)? Ideas for worshipping at home to build traditions that can extend to Sunday morning?

• Equip all people to support young people in worship. Some of the adults in your pews may not know why the vestments are green or why we don’t say “Alleluia!” during certain seasons or why the priest’s hands fall over the bread and the wine during the Eucharistic prayer. Teach them! Through whispered conversation, they can help children notice the in-breaking of the Spirit in the Eucharist, wonder about Scripture, move their bodies prayerfully or learn a new hymn. Design or buy pew cards to clearly share ideas and expectations.

• Focus on engaging—not entertaining—children in worship. The children in front of me appeared to need to move their bodies. Rather than trying to keep them still and quiet, adults could have invited them to assist the usher collecting the offering or move their bodies prayerfully during congregational singing. Or a loving grownup could have helped the children notice how other bodies move in worship and then help them regulate their restlessness.

I know and love these children. The older child has the capacity for deep questions, and the younger child has the capacity for sustained concentration. Their love, joy and curiosity have been gifts to me in worship.

So, I leaned forward and told the older child we were about to pray a special prayer that Jesus taught his disciples. I shared why Jesus did that. And then I opened my bulletin and used my finger to track each word so he could follow along. When we finished, I told him I had a special Bible I thought he might like to read and led him by the hand to a collection of children’s books.

He returned to his pew, settled and prayed with Scripture until it was time to take God’s love out into the world.   

The Rev. Kelly Ryan serves diocesan congregations as the missioner for discipleship. The position was created as part of, and is made possible by, the $1.25 million grant from Lilly Endowment Inc. the diocese received in October 2024 to reconceive the way it supports congregations as they seek to form disciples of all ages. Instead of traditional programming, the project is designed to spark congregational imagination around intergenerational worship and its connection to holistic Christian formation, to support connections among congregations, and to equip and empower congregational leaders to design and lead inclusive, sensory-rich worship rooted in The Episcopal Church’s liturgical traditions.

Kelly previously served at Duke Divinity School as director of the Thriving Congregations Coordination Program and as senior director of Communications and executive editor for Leadership Education at Duke Divinity, as well as a communications coach for Lilly Endowment grantees. For more than two decades, she has served children and their families as a catechist, tutor, mentor and hospital volunteer. 

Since ordination as a vocational deacon in 2024, Kelly has served as deacon and children’s minister at St. Joseph’s, Durham. She holds a Master of Divinity, a certificate in Christian Education, and an MA in Christian Practice from Duke Divinity School, as well as a BA in journalism and political science from the University of North Carolina – Chapel Hill.